some times in life are harder than others. it seems unavoidable. obviously, i guess? but i'm struck by how easy it is to forget this when things are going well. and how hard it is to remember that it's only temporary when you're in the middle of the feeling of it. hm. on both sides.

now's one of those times for me. and episode 149 is a fairly plain representation of it, i think. me under pressure. not knowing where to go. what to do. knowing my best isn't good enough. the coldness of it. stuck with what is, as is. without excuses. it's just hard. sleepless. a word there's no word for.

hm. so, i don't know. i'll stop typing before i embarrass myself any more. the deep truth behind and beyond everything i'm feeling is that love is real.

patient.
kind.
open.
peaceful.
forgiving.
understanding.
trusting.
hopeful.
honest.
strong.
free.

i know it. and god (which is to say hope, compassion, forgiveness, meaning) exists in every way our dreams and actions and faith will let her. it's invisible and emotional, yes. and also the most observable and real and beautiful thing there is. even in the here's and now's that hurt like hell. especially in those times. now. my heart is alive, and i'm thankful.

wishing u only the best tonight.

<3
rsssll

Posted by russell at 06:09 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

a few friends have mentioned dismay at my recommendation of michael jackson's 1991 cd dangerous. i went back and listened again today, and just wanted to say a little bit more about what i see in it, etc.

firstly - as with most things me - it's about a feeling. i mean, yes, true, the cd is filled with (what is currently) considered dated production - the synth, the drum machine, the trademarked high-pitched squeals, etc. i know. i agree. but what i love about dangerous - and music in general, more broadly - is not only (or even primarily) about style and presentation and packaging. i mean, ok - yes - this stuff has an unavoidable impact. but it's not the whole thing. or the most important thing.

songs, as artists, as all of us, are human. which is to say - messy, imperfect, broken, warm, inconsistent, beautiful, alive, never complete. the best ones, anyway. ;) and - strangely, amazingly, metaphorically - love is too. which is how music feels... the whole of things, the sense of things, the emotional power and truth and reality of our hearts as they are - inclusive, unified, honest. and that's what i feel within much of michael's work - and dangerous as a cd specifically. so many of those songs, esp in the late 80's and 90's, were about trying to make sense of things, prove himself, connect and break past the hurtful assumptions the world had about who he was. specifically, i'm talking about songs like "jam" and "why you wanna trip on me" and "will you be there." these songs are a lot of things wound together, but at the core, they're a simple emotional plea... that just happens to be mixed with early 90's r&b drum machine. the frustration, the ache, the wanting things to be better...

they say i'm different
they don't understand
but there's a bigger problem
that's much more in demand
you got world hunger
not enough to eat
so there's really no time
to be trippin' on me

-michael jackson (why you wanna trip on me, 1991)

also, for me, deeper, there's something powerful and moving and relateable about the sense of isolation and misunderstanding and vulnerability surrounding the themes michael was talking about in those days. if we let ourselves, and we're honest, i think deep down most of us know what he meant - that the world too often doesn't listen, doesn't understand, doesn't care - and we still have to keep trying. we can't give up. we gotta keep fighting for what we know is right. which also reminds me of his 1995 duet with janet - "scream"...

"tired of injustice
tired of the schemes
the lies are disgusting
so what does it mean
kicking me down
i got to get up
as jacked as it sounds
the whole system sucks

peek in the shadow
come into the light
you tell me i'm wrong
you better prove you're right
you're sellin' out souls but
i care about mine
i've got to get stronger
and I won't give up the fight"

-michael jackson (scream, 1995)

as a singer/songwriter who can't help but listen to lyrics, i notice this. cuz not many "pop" artists do this sort of thing. not many mega-ultra-famous icons maintain the softness of heart to express honest need and exasperation and hope and vision. very few do. and - so, yes - that seems like a big thing to me. i respect that michael was trying to break through emotionally. he was trying to connect - painfully, desperately, hurtfully, angrily, honestly - the whole human thing. and, to me, this is the heart of all that music ever is or can or should be. michael was there with his heart. reaching out.

back to dangerous - if you're interested in why i feel what i feel about the album - here's a recommendation: sit down with some headphones, hit play, and listen to the words (a good site for the lyrics is here).

continued peace and heart goes out to michael and his friends and family tonight.

russell

but they told me
a man should be faithful
and walk when not able
and fight till the end
but i'm only human
everyone's taking control of me
seems that the world's
got a role for me
i'm so confused
will you show to me
you'll be there for me
and care enough to bear me

-michael jackson (will you be there, 1991)

i have to find my peace cuz
no one seems to let me be
false prophets cry of doom
what are the possibilities
i told my brother
there'll be problems,
times and tears for fears,
we must live each day
like it's the last

go with it
go with it
jam
it ain't too much stuff
it ain't too much
it ain't too much for me to
jam
it ain't
it ain't too much stuff
it ain't
don't you
it ain't too much for me to
jam

-michael jackson (jam, 1991)

Posted by russell at 06:15 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

i recorded tonight's podcast before i heard the sad news of michael jackson's passing. i was already a little bit down tonight, but this news makes it official. say what you will about michael jackson's personal life and eccentricities. i didn't know him, so i don't have any comments or opinions about those things. but - from a songwriter's perspective - i have deep and huge respect for michael's work. he was a true talent. his songs will live on. if you don't already know it, i encourage everyone to re-visit his 1991 cd "dangerous." seriously. a-ma-zing.

it's a sad night. my heart goes out to michael and his friends and family tonight.

michael - on wiki
the 1991 cd dangerous - on wiki

in the midst of this, and many other feelings, is episode 148. if you have time, i hope you can listen...

kelly vogel - on myspace
vipassana meditation - on wiki
dhamma brothers - the movie
to the best of our knowledge - podcast

love,
russell

Posted by russell at 06:07 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

the podcast is silent tonight. but it will be here tomorrow. i promise!

love,
russell

Posted by russell at 07:51 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

it's 8:45 pacific time. i just got home. wow. tired.

happily, i just posted episode 147. a yes to yes. i have no way of knowing if any of this makes sense in any objective way. i deeply hope so. it seemed to somehow moments ago, intuitively, emotionally, raw-ly. but i'm not sure. hmph. i wish i could be.

i can't type much now, but if you have a chance, i do hope you'll take a listen...

sincere thanks for being here,
russell

Posted by russell at 07:37 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)